I forgave my worst enemy today.
Well, former worst.
I no longer have enemies, but…
If I’d ever had to have known an enemy that was worse than myself, it would definitely be this person.
For months after discarding this poison from my life, I’d never felt more free, mentally healthy, and most importantly, myself again.
And I was fine with that. None of that has changed. I’m still in awe of how fabulously life has turned out thus far.
But this person, whom I’d pretty much forgotten about, attempted to reach out to me, hoping to inject more negativity in my life, as though eleven months of torture were not nearly enough.
And they aimed to do that through this very blog, in fact. I got a notification from this person attempting to post a comment under some strange blog name, and once I recognized who they were, I immediately discarded it, not reading more than the first line.
A couple weeks later, here I am. I was discussing something with a friend, and this person entered my mind once again. I decided to reach out to them, to let them know I didn’t read their attempted comment, acknowledging that they probably put a lot of time and effort into the words that, from a quick glance, resembled a short novel.
I, myself, wrote a dissertation-length goodbye letter to them when I left them behind months ago. I’d had a lot to say. This person had a habit of silencing me before my true thoughts could be verbalized. So I packed all my thoughts, regrets, anger, hurt and truths into maybe 20 thousand words. I forget exactly. Anyway.
I’ve reached a point in life where I’m more open to forgiving people and more aware of my own faults and flaws. This person, however, did not receive my recent message so well.
They said they couldn’t forgive or forget my letter.
Because I forgave them. They never apologized, and never will, because they don’t feel that they’ve done a drop of wrong. And that’s okay too. Because I’m bigger than that. Bigger than them. Bigger than that crappy period in my life with which I’ve now managed to come to terms. And that’s all that matters to me.
I feel…wow. I feel great. I’ve surprised myself at how much I’ve grown. And I’m proud of it. Not too long ago in that horrendously long letter I wrote, I was telling him how I’d gone from feeling white-hot hatred towards them to feeling nothing for them. And now I’m able to say…I hope you do well. I hope all your dreams come true. I want you to be happy.
I feel beyond accomplished at this seemingly tiny gesture because I’m usually not a forgiving person. I’ve acknowledged my mistakes, my oopses and boo-boos. That person was probably the biggest one I ever made. But we live, we learn, we grow, we forgive.
But we never forget.
I’ll never forget the things I endured with that person and that situation, in that particular time in my life. They can never hurt me again. But I’ve learned so much from the situation that in a twisted way, I look back fondly on those times. They’ve made me who I am today. And I can only hope that from here, I’ll keep getting better.
It’s a burned bridge, that’s for sure. But there’s water under where that bridge once crossed.
And that’s enough for me.